NANGIPS Week 1 1/2 - Duels of Destiny at Daytona

*DISCLAIMER*This series is intended to be humorous and a parody series. It is not intended to be taken seriously, and no insults thrown on this post are meant to be hurtful. Unless your name is Bryan Leon. Then fuck you for not ing.

Fuck everyone, you're stuck here in your torture chairs for the Daytona Duels. These races are sometimes used to determine the starting lineup for the Daytona 500, but most of the time they're used just to piss you off with boring meaninglessness. We have a full crowd of 690,000 on hand for this race. Starting on pole for Duel 1 is Zack Stern

Duel 1 Drivers:

ZACK THE HACK - The only fuckhead in the world who would pick WillyB to win anything. His other pick was Hamlin. Frickin' traitor to his own fanbase.

GAY-ROD - He picked Tyler Reddick and Austin Cindric. You see, interesting points, but unfortunately you smell like ass

COCKTER JOHN - Joey Logano and Bubba Wallace. The haters will go insane, as will S4 of AROC- oh wait, everything disappeared and AROC's dead.

SCOCKOZEN - Kevin Harvick and Joey Logano. Have I ever told you that I would rather be run over by a dump truck, then swarmed by a nest of hornets, then get shit all over by a gorilla than watch Harvick win?

PEE Q-EW GUY - No wins, just like you in NAMDCS

SHACK BLACK - No wins, just like you at any acting award's show

COLON BENDOVER - Ryan Blaney and Chase Elliott. Clearly this man is thinking with the not straight portion of his reproductive tract.

FLAMES OMONKE - Kyle Busch and Aric Almirola. Frickin' chokin Daytona 500 lookin ass and Getting Rekt by Austin Dillon lookin' ass

BRYAN BLOWGANO- Kyle Larson and Chase Elliott. Anyone who picks Larson at a plate track needs an emergency room trip to determine if they still have a brain.

JUSTIN "CHECK MY TWITTER LIKES" NEWMAN - Joey Logano and Alex Bowman. Smart Man.

ZACK - The only fuckhead in the world who would pick WillyB to win anything. His other pick was Hamlin. Frickin' traitor to his own fanbase.

KAYDEN SQUATTERS - Justin Haley and Tyler Reddick. Do you smell bias? I smell bias.

Today's Pace Car: Duel 1: 2022 Nissan Armada. Duel 2: Whatever the fuck this Honda is

PACE LAPS

NANGIPS officials have alerted the drivers that they will be penalized for beating Zack Stern.

GREEN FLAG

Zack Stern chooses the outside

Lap 5

5 drivers have ed Zack Stern. All have been penalized. None give a shit

Lap 15

A fan has been spotted yelling about how boring the race is. 15 lead changes have occurred thus far.

Lap 20

Rain reported off Turn 2. Drivers told to go fuck themselves. Fans have umbrellas confiscated.

Lap 25

Beyonce just tweeted about wanting to grind all over Justin Ricci. Paparazzi now flooding the track.

Lap 30

Racing's good, by the way

Lap 45

There was a crash on lap 15. Literally everyone died except for Zack and Tyler. Forgot to mention it. Sorry

Lap 50

Tyler attempts to Zack. NANGIPS officials drop oil slick. Tyler goes back behind Zack. A fan that has been identified as Alan Mooch is screaming from the stands about how dangerous the NANGIPS officials are making the race.

Lap 55-

Zack eats shit in the oil slick! Tyler to the lead!

Lap 59-

Tyler in the lead, but what's this?! A sign just popped up in the infield!

SCOCKOZEN- Tyler king gets the finish of his Last iRacing Race, spin again

God, whoever wrote that has the grammar of a six year old, but now whatever Tyler does is meaningless!

White Flag Lap 60

Tyler King leads. He's the only car on track. What the fuck, this is boring. Wait. HOLY FUCK IT'S CADEN BISHOP IN A VOLVO! HE WIPES OUT TYLER! TYLER'S GETTING OUT OF THE CAR! HE CROSSES THE LINE ON FOOT TO WIN THE DUEL AT DAYTONA!

DUEL TWO DRIVERS:

ASHLEY CAMPOS - Joey Logano and Chase Elliott. I'm changing your Chase Elliott pick to Clint Bowyer.

EVAN TAYDAY - Nobody wins, just like you when you get a broadcasting deal for the NRRL

JUSTINA RICKY - No wins, just like you in the NRRL

KYLER GRIEDER - No wins, just like you in the NABART

CADEN IS SOMEHOW NOT SUSPENDED - No wins, just like you for 40+ misc. league races

HE WHO ES TO THE INSIDE ON PIT ROAD - Brad Keselowski and Joey Logano. Imagine picking a Roush car.

LELAND. JUST LELAND - Ricky Stenhouse and Austin Dillon. I'm gonna rig this so you get the W for these amazing picks.

PAUL "WRECKING BALL" GONELAN - Joey Logano and Denny Hamlin. Could you possibly be any more boring?!!?

PATRICK RODENTICIDE - No wins, just like you through a season and a half of MLNCS

LOGAN SLOWGANO FAN - Kevin Harvick and Brad Keselowski. I would rather swim in a leech-infested lake in the middle of an active volcano with a buffalo farting in my face than watch Harvick win.

CALEB MARINATED BOOTY - Joey Logano and Justin Haley. For your sake I hope they the existence of the double yellow line.

PACE LAPS

A coup has taken place in the NANGIPS race control! NMMCS Officials have taken over the race! Drivers are rejoicing!

GREEN FLAG

Tanor chooses the inside

Lap 5

A fan has tweeted that they heard that an old model of car once killed somebody. NANGIPS is now facing enormous backlash in light of this accusation.

Lap 10

Justin Ricci retired Lap One after his engine mysteriously expired. He is now being chased by an unknown figure with a very large butt. Sources indicate the car was sabotaged.

Lap 15

A turtle has been launched from Caden Bishop's pit stall! It has blown up Logan's race car!

Caleb Marinelli over the radio - "OHHHH NOOOOO!!!"

Lap 20

LELAND IS TORNADOING!

Replays indicate this was intentional.

Lap 25

Beyonce (the unknown figure) has broken into Justin Ricci's motorhome.

Lap 30

Caden to Kylee: "I'm in the kitchen state of mind"

Lap 35

Zack Stern has spilled skim milk all over himself in the infield

Lap 40

A fan has attached herself to Tanor Campos' car. She is shouting repeatedly "I LOVE YOU TANNYWANNY!" Sources indicate that this is Ashley

Lap 45

TANOR CAMPOS JUST RAN OVER ASHLEY! HOLY FUCK!

Lap 50

Carter and race director Bryan Leon caught sharing their love of potatoes in 4k

By the way, timing and scoring is showing something completely different from the running order in race. The drivers are complaining that the results are rigged.

Justin Ricci found in Zack Stern's motorcoach. He escaped Beyonce but is now swimming in choccy milk

Lap 55

RAIN! RAIN! THERE IS A FUCKING THUNDERSTORM ON TOP OF THE TRACK! PATRICK PAUL AND CALEB HAVE BEEN STRUCK BY LIGHTNING!

THE TRACK OFFICIALS HAVE TRAPPED ALL OF THE FANS IN THE STANDS! OH NO!

White Flag Lap 60

Oh yeah, everyone died. No one finished. Fuck you.

Lightning struck the stands, by the way.

AFTER THE RACE

Alan Mooch on Twitter- "I can't believe the NANGIPS allowed this to go on! This is a farce! They never should've allowed this to happen!"

OH SHIT THE NANGIPS QUOTE TWEETED HIM! "You're right. No season should start like this. We're gonna void the whole thing."

THEY BANKRUPTED THE ENTIRE SERIES! NO ONE HAS POINTS ANYMORE!

HOLY SHIT! Well, it looks like the season will start with an actual points race. I will see you again for Daytona.

Oh by the way, the fans all lived. I may be a heartless savage, but I know that in any good story, the stakes get raised over time.